finally i think i am feeling it.
because these few weeks i can cry staring at anything,
cry without thinking about anything,
cry thinking about everything,
cry in just any situation,
even when i don't sense a thing.

that morning when i had my accounts paper,
i woke up, and the first thing on my mind is why don't you kill me already.
that constant pressure and constant fear why don't you just stab me already.
probably i dreamt about a knife that morning.
of course my nightmares are still here.
i see people die in my dream, and that's not the end.
the story continues on some random day after that, and i see that person die for the second time.
and over and over again,
i see the same person die over and over again.
and then another story starts and it continues
i actually wonder is it me who died countless times but not being able to perish completely.
because it haven't tortured my mental to the extreme level.
or it's plainly because i've finished my crime novel or a horror movie.

no one knows.
because it's hard to tell.
but now i have reached my limit because this is really eating me out.
those fear crawling from the bottom up to your very neck and start strangling you like you are gonna suffocate and die.
but you fight back.
why fight back actually.
god i think i'm psychotic right now.

i came back from crying.
i cried thinking bout my grandmother,
i cried looking at my mother,
i cried listening to 属于,
i cried looking at the stars on the wall,
i cried looking around my room,
i cried thinking bout why isn't there a future for me to look forward to,
and then i cried when my my blanked.
it's really really eating me up already.
i cannot.
but i had a happy day today.
i went to places buying stuffs i want.
then i'm happy because it's a holiday tomorrow,
then worry about Tuesday when everything is going to start all over again.
and now i'm worrying how is my rubbish going to be disposed.
i really thank those mpk workers,
for doing us such a favour.
and yet i still create so much rubbish an then i'm feeling so guilty and now i really worry how are the rubbish going to be disposed.

i've been crapping too much.
but i have to release them out even it's not going to make me feel better.
i should just sleep now.
thank you and good night .
oh and please don't look at me like some crazy person .

我们都是一样
相信永远不远
但坚持却有点难


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