Welcome;
to my house ;)
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Saturday, July 21, 2012
- @ 9:47 PM
7 days ago i had a dream.
i was by her side when she is preparing to go.
she was awake, her hands held me tight .
i did that one thing i never get to do before she left.
i met her for the very last time,
i talked to her for the very last time.
i hugged her for the very last time,
& she knows i'm there.
she knows.
3 days ago,
her soul is supposed to visit us.
we had those ceremony, smokes in the house.
but i can't feel her.
we slept early that night.
me : why are we sleeping so early ?
me answering : so that she can come back earlier .
me : why she needs to come back ? i mean she is here right ? she's still here , at the old folk's home.
me answering : no she is not. she is gone, she is gone.
and that moment, how i realize i barely sees her for the last few years,
so little meetings that i can't even differentiate she is still here or not .
because when she is still here,
i'm at home knowing she's here.
now when she's not here,
i'm at home thinking she is still here.
because i am at home, she is not.
would things changed if i tried to help taking care of her ?
mum has been the one taking care of her without any complaints,
any at all.
taking care of her is not easy.
it requires patience, and endurance of all you will see and touch,
something i know i can't bare to do, bare to see.
until this very day,
19 days passed.
& i still refuse to accept that her body is not here,
her soul is not here,
her heart is not beating anymore.
it's so damn fake.
this is not real,
this is not happening at all.
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